I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
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Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
From Facebook just now…
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.