me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Doggies just call it style.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
so weird how every mom was born today
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.