wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
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I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
True freaking story!
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
vegan witches, happy halloween!
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.