No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
You Might Also Like
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
time for some seasonal decor
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”