They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
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Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport