I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
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“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
How to properly lift a body
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.