There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
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Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
At least he brought enough for everyone
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud