They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
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911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
If you love someone, let them tweet.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend