My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
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Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.