my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
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Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.