My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
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If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Planet of the Apps.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much