it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
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[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave