Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
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Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
become ungovernable
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Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.