Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
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We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides