I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
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Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
my one true gender
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”