Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
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Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox