Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
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I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I hate my earbuds.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high