Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
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When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.