I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
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If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
#DesignFail
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
oh u like geography? name every lake
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”