i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
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youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Saving my good tweets for marriage
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
i- i did not expect this
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
felt that
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.