If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
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Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
this isn’t threatening at all
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”