covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
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“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
This probably isn’t good
Confused owl: What?!
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president