[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
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Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe