A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
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My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.