My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
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*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
This is my favorite one of these!
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of