You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
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Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I would move hell over six inches for you
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR