I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
You Might Also Like
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Y’all know who you are.
when you are just born a rebel
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”