How dramatic are you?
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I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Teach your children to beatbox
Good news
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu