My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
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No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Still laughing at this stupid meme
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.