My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
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My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
The options really are this bad
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.