me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
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cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Body by Oreos
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….