I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
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I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.