Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
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I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.