I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
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[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.