You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
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Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me