*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
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Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over