Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
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I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
twitter users today:
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula