[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
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Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*