When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
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Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”