Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
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This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.