I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
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I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too