Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
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If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
#parenting