kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
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*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.