who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
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Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.