Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
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My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.