can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
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Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
what are they serving at kfc then???
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*