[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
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Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience