I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
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No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Hello Twits.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
how it started vs how it ended
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”