Saw your ex at the shops
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[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Whoa 😂
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Monday
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.