I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
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My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
How animals would run if they were human
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.